The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
