I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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