He kissed a someone with a penis
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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