I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
