Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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