I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
