I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
