when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
