Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
