So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
