I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
