All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
