you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
