he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
