tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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