So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
