True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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