you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
