I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
