Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
