How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She even gives head with a lisp.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
