I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
