Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
