I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So squirting runs in the family.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
