I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
