I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you traded sex for a burrito?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
