my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
