his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
