GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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