I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
