According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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