I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
