just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
