Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
