Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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