I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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