Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
