When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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