you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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