True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
