I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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