I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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