I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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