I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
