I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
