I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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