No I am not eating basil off your cock
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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