so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
