that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
