I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
